Shot Full

I’ve always thought I would have a hard time finding a husband. For lots of reasons, but not least of all because I have a super great Mom. That might seem like a weird reason to be man-picky, but it’s legit. My mom, being super great, understands me. I mean, she gets me, y’all. Sometimes, she knows me better than I know myself.

I expect that from a husband. 
Unfair, perhaps, but why would I leave my mom’s house to live with somebody who doesn’t get me?!?
No reason, that’s why. 
Even if he was really, really cute.
But, then came one day I did find somebody really, really cute. Or, actually, he found me, and then he started chasing me, (hardcore, you guys, chasing me), and then another day he said something super insightful and I looked at him and I realized he’d been doing that a lot and then I realized, “This guy, he knows me…He gets me…like Mom.”
Mind. Blown.
After that, what choice did I have? Well, several, I suppose, but the only reasonable one (and I love me some good reasonable-ness) was MARRY THE MAN. 
So, I thought I would. And so, I think I will.
One of the (many) insightful things he has said concerned my work. Once we decided to get married there were a lot of other things to decide, one of which was whether or not I’d be working once we moved to our new city. For years, I’ve felt I was called to be a homemaker, not just as a hobby on the side but as my vocation. I know that’s not always possible, even for people who feel God has put that desire in their hearts. But Alex has gone to great lengths to reassure me that he wants to do everything he can so our new little family is structured that way.
In one of the conversations about this, I mentioned how there were a lot of people telling me they didn’t believe I could “stay away” from pro-life work. 
“It’s not about staying away from it,” I was saying to my sweet fiance rather miserably, “I just…I’m…just…”
Except I couldn’t find the words to express the feeling I was getting in the pit of my stomach over this.
Then, Alex. Being Insightful:
“It’s not about staying away from it. You’re like a (*fill in the blank with the super cool name of a plane which I only remember was from World War II*) plane that has been shot full of bullet holes.”
I admit to looking somewhat stunned at this announcement.
“Shot full.” He repeated seriously. “And now you’re flying back to base. You’ve been flying out there a long time. You just need to go home for now.”
I lost count a long time ago of all the times my mom put her finger right on an aching spot in my heart I’d been struggling to pinpoint. It was always such a rush of relief to feel like, finally, I know what’s wrong with myself.

That was the exact feeling I got when Alex called me a plane full of bullet holes. And I knew instantly, it expressed exactly how I felt…how I’d been feeling for a long time. Shot full of holes.
That in itself isn’t the reason I feel called to be at home for my husband after our marriage. I felt that tugging in my heart a long time before I started full-time pro-life work, and way before I met Alexander Hanson. But it has deepened, sharpened, intensified on every level I could possibly describe in my past 4+ years at HCL. I’ve tried to do my bit on the front lines. I really, really have. I have nothing but the greatest respect for the people who’ve done it years longer, and who will do it for years more. 
I’m by no means saying I’m never doing pro-life work again (pretty sure that isn’t even possible, by the way). I look forward to being one of the volunteers I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Pro-life volunteers are the salt of the earth, and I have a lot of love for the ones who’ve been mine. 
But I also don’t think that being a homemaker is by any stretch of the imagination a lesser vocation. I don’t think I’ll be “bored at home,” as some genuinely loving people have expressed their concern. A wife and mother is the heart of a home…I need to learn to beat peacefully. 
I need to not be shot full of holes all the time.
More to come on this…this is all leading somewhere, but it would be a really long post all at once. 😉

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